I'm not going to bother trying shame - from past experience re the APUG UK Gatherings (another one coming up in April BTW!) I know you to be thoroughly shameless!
So here are a few exceptionally unoriginal suggestions -
1) Take a new roll of cheap (free is better!) film, open it unused and try loading it on the reel first in daylight, then in daylight with your eyes shut, then in the changing bag / darkroom. Repeat as necessary and keep the roll for the future. (Yes, I know you mentioned this - told you I was unoriginal!)
2) Stop worrying about dust. You can either blow it off the film with a hurricane blower or (if it's stuck on) resoak the film in lukewarm wetting agent 1:200.
3) If you live in a hard water area, filter all your processing and washing water through something like a Britta jug filter. It stops calcium carbonate deposits in their tracks!
4) Make use of Les's suggestion of taking a camera for a walk (single prime lens) and taking a shot every twenty-five paces. Use that as your first "live fire" roll. (Yes, I know you sort of mentioned this too - told you I was exceptionally unoriginal!)
5) Tell everyone at work that you're going to do it THIS WEEKEND and will bring the negs in to prove it on Monday... ...and that if you don't you'll buy everyone a drink on each evening until you do! (Shame might not work, but you are Scottish after all!
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6) If you have a Palm OS PDA then get hold of a copy of FotoTimer (free). It makes process timing a breeze. There may be equivalents for Windoze palmtops.
7) Instruct Robin that in future he's to tell you to bugger off and do your own no matter how much you beg, plead, weep, threaten, cajole, bribe, etc!
The anticipation is vastly worse than the actuality. Get it done!